Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
