I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
