it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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