I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
