ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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