Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
