I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize