Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
