I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
