she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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