Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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