When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
