Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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