No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
its not stalking. its research.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
