420 ftw
I have demons in me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
