i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
