dude i'm inner monologue high
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
