I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
