I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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