Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize