I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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