then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize