Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
