i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
