then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
