so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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