that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
