based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
