Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
