dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
