I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
