Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
