Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
