i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
