i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
