The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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