You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
