Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
