Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
