I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
