SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
