my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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