In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The air was thick with penises
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
