I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
