And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
