I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
