so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
