Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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