I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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