Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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