someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
