I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
