I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
