I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
we're chasing vodka with high fives
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize