I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So vagazzling was a success
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