I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
