are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
